Dear Founders,
Forgive us if this is short—we have just a few minutes between "American Idol" and "Desperate Housewives" to write.
Since, according to a few paragraphs we’ve read in our school textbooks, you seemed to have played a mildly important role in our nation (although your contribution is a bit overrated if you ask us), we thought you might appreciate a quick update on how everything has turned out.
You’ve undoubtedly heard about the Civil War. Sure, it was tough and bloody, but thankfully we were able to make the federal government a lot stronger and give it a lot more power as a result. What a mistake it was to give the states that much power. Don’t worry—we don’t fully blame you, for how could you have known how everything would turn out? I mean, it’s not like you studied history or anything, right?
Everything went pretty good after that, until we realized how undemocratic our government was. That one document we’ve heard about—you know, the one with all the rules for the government—was okay, but it had a bunch of big words and complicated concepts and we thought it best to simplify the whole thing and give more power to the People.
You’ve undoubtedly heard about the Civil War. Sure, it was tough and bloody, but thankfully we were able to make the federal government a lot stronger and give it a lot more power as a result. What a mistake it was to give the states that much power. Don’t worry—we don’t fully blame you, for how could you have known how everything would turn out? I mean, it’s not like you studied history or anything, right?
Everything went pretty good after that, until we realized how undemocratic our government was. That one document we’ve heard about—you know, the one with all the rules for the government—was okay, but it had a bunch of big words and complicated concepts and we thought it best to simplify the whole thing and give more power to the People.
Honestly, couldn’t you have made it just a bit easier to understand? And what was the deal with that whole republic thing? Don’t you think that was a little old-fashioned?
We’re sure you had good intentions, but we quickly figured out that democracy is where it’s at. That’s what all the cool nations have, and we’re certain that you wouldn’t want us to be uncool. It didn’t take much for us to fix some major problems with your document—just a couple amendments was all—and we were back in the game.
Of course, we had a big depression soon after that, but once again we realized that it was the product of one of your quaint but outdated ideas—the free market. Luckily, a few really smart bankers and really nice politicians had set up a great monetary system that helped us to create more money, just to make sure that we wouldn’t run out.
And we don’t know what we would have done without our benevolent Leader who quickly set things right and started giving us the benefits that we have always deserved. You could have saved us all the trouble from the beginning, but hey, you live and learn, right?
Oh, and we were also able to get past all your petty hang-ups about so-called “entangling alliances” and we formed the United Nations. That was really cute of you to be worried about international affairs, but we think it’s much nicer to cooperate with others, instead of playing that obsolete “sovereignty” game.
Things were great for awhile, aside from a short eight years where one of our presidents tried to reverse all of the good we had done. Then, of course, September 11th changed everything.
We weren’t really sure what to do, since none of our TV shows or public education had prepared us (you can’t expect us to know everything, can you?), but we were fairly certain that if we imposed our awesome form of government—democracy—in the Middle East that things would settle down.
We’re sure you had good intentions, but we quickly figured out that democracy is where it’s at. That’s what all the cool nations have, and we’re certain that you wouldn’t want us to be uncool. It didn’t take much for us to fix some major problems with your document—just a couple amendments was all—and we were back in the game.
Of course, we had a big depression soon after that, but once again we realized that it was the product of one of your quaint but outdated ideas—the free market. Luckily, a few really smart bankers and really nice politicians had set up a great monetary system that helped us to create more money, just to make sure that we wouldn’t run out.
And we don’t know what we would have done without our benevolent Leader who quickly set things right and started giving us the benefits that we have always deserved. You could have saved us all the trouble from the beginning, but hey, you live and learn, right?
Oh, and we were also able to get past all your petty hang-ups about so-called “entangling alliances” and we formed the United Nations. That was really cute of you to be worried about international affairs, but we think it’s much nicer to cooperate with others, instead of playing that obsolete “sovereignty” game.
Things were great for awhile, aside from a short eight years where one of our presidents tried to reverse all of the good we had done. Then, of course, September 11th changed everything.
We weren’t really sure what to do, since none of our TV shows or public education had prepared us (you can’t expect us to know everything, can you?), but we were fairly certain that if we imposed our awesome form of government—democracy—in the Middle East that things would settle down.
We quickly realized that principles are highly overrated when it comes to political expediency, so we told our leaders to do whatever they wanted, just as long as we could stay comfortable in our massive homes and watch sports on our big screen TVs.
We even deployed over 369,000 troops in more than 150 countries. It’s weird—we know—but none of this has seemed to make much of a difference on terrorism. It probably because we don’t have yet enough military might spread across the globe, so we’re going to keep it up.
We even deployed over 369,000 troops in more than 150 countries. It’s weird—we know—but none of this has seemed to make much of a difference on terrorism. It probably because we don’t have yet enough military might spread across the globe, so we’re going to keep it up.
$12 billion per month really isn’t that much—we are, after all, the strongest and best country in the world and we always seem to find the money from somewhere. That’s the government’s problem anyway; we’ve got our own money issues to deal with.
We’re probably not supposed to admit this, but right now things seem to be a bit shaky and we’re getting kind of worried. We’re sure having a hard time making ends meet personally, but our leaders undoubtedly know more than us, and they’re telling us that we’re just in a temporary slow-down. We’re not sure why our dollars buy us less and less, but who has time for economic theory and monetary policy?
Besides, that stuff is for nerds, and we’re too cool for that. Who wants to study government and economics when we’re anxiously awaiting the latest iPod? That’s so boring compared to keeping up with the latest gossip on Brad and Angelina. John Locke and Montesquieu don’t have anything to tell us that we can’t learn from People magazine.
Furthermore, we suspect that our current struggles have something to do with your naïve mistakes, as we’ve seen throughout our development. And since we’ve done a great job of fixing your mistakes so far, we’re confident that if we keep innovating that we’ll get it right.
As you well know, massive change doesn’t happen overnight, so we’ll just keep chipping away at your flawed foundations. Persistence is the mark of a great nation, we always say, although complacence is just as good as long as the government takes care of everything.
You’ll be please to know that we have a couple of great candidates to choose from in this upcoming presidential election. It probably won’t matter much either way, but that McCain fellow seems kind of stuffy and we really like the fun slogan of the other guy.
Change—now that’s something that we can all believe in, especially since we’ve figured out that you guys didn’t get much right. What kind of change, you ask? We’re not entirely sure—but c’mon, doesn’t your heart just swell with patriotic pride every time you hear that special word?
Well, whatever, we’ve got TV shows to get to and bills to pay. Thanks for all the good things you probably did (heaven knows it wasn’t establishing good government), and we probably won’t be in touch. So much entertainment, so little time! Can you blame us?
Sincerely,
The American People, 2008
We’re probably not supposed to admit this, but right now things seem to be a bit shaky and we’re getting kind of worried. We’re sure having a hard time making ends meet personally, but our leaders undoubtedly know more than us, and they’re telling us that we’re just in a temporary slow-down. We’re not sure why our dollars buy us less and less, but who has time for economic theory and monetary policy?
Besides, that stuff is for nerds, and we’re too cool for that. Who wants to study government and economics when we’re anxiously awaiting the latest iPod? That’s so boring compared to keeping up with the latest gossip on Brad and Angelina. John Locke and Montesquieu don’t have anything to tell us that we can’t learn from People magazine.
Furthermore, we suspect that our current struggles have something to do with your naïve mistakes, as we’ve seen throughout our development. And since we’ve done a great job of fixing your mistakes so far, we’re confident that if we keep innovating that we’ll get it right.
As you well know, massive change doesn’t happen overnight, so we’ll just keep chipping away at your flawed foundations. Persistence is the mark of a great nation, we always say, although complacence is just as good as long as the government takes care of everything.
You’ll be please to know that we have a couple of great candidates to choose from in this upcoming presidential election. It probably won’t matter much either way, but that McCain fellow seems kind of stuffy and we really like the fun slogan of the other guy.
Change—now that’s something that we can all believe in, especially since we’ve figured out that you guys didn’t get much right. What kind of change, you ask? We’re not entirely sure—but c’mon, doesn’t your heart just swell with patriotic pride every time you hear that special word?
Well, whatever, we’ve got TV shows to get to and bills to pay. Thanks for all the good things you probably did (heaven knows it wasn’t establishing good government), and we probably won’t be in touch. So much entertainment, so little time! Can you blame us?
Sincerely,
The American People, 2008
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